Let’s talk a bit about boundaries. How to create them and how to kindly enforce them. If you are a people pleaser like me, creating boundaries can be a struggle. We are entering a crazy busy season with the end of the year (and decade!) wrapping up plus all of the holidays approaching. This is one of the busiest times of year for people to start asking you for help or for your involvement. If you want to keep your sanity, you’re going to need to learn to say no to a few things. Here is the process to creating boundaries:
1. Know Your Priorities
First and foremost, you need to know what your priorities are in this season of life. I highly recommend sitting down with your spouse and deciding what your priorities are together. It’s important your spouse is on the same page so you can easily make decisions together and avoid any disagreements about what you’re saying yes to as a family (especially with the holidays coming up.. you don’t want your husband agreeing to host Thanksgiving without talking to you first and then you being the bad guy when you say no!)
Keep in mind your priorities will change over time which is why you’ll want to reevaluate your priorities every few months. Some priorities will always be the same (your marriage, relationship with God, kids, etc.) but I also want you to determine your priorities that are specific to this current season of life.
For example, when I’m working with my coaching clients, they are currently in a season of growth for their business and are pushing towards a big goal (launching their business, hitting a certain $ amount, creating their course, etc.). This means they are going to say no to other things as they don’t have the time or mental capacity to take on new projects that are outside of their business goal. Once summer rolls around they may decide their priorities are going to shift to working less so they can focus on doing more fun activities with their kids.
2. People’s Priorities May Not Match
The next thing to understand is that when somebody asks you to do something, it’s because it aligns with their own priorities. By nature, we are always looking out for ourselves and when someone asks for help, it’s because it matches with their own priorities and agenda.
Since you’ve determined what your current priorities are in this season, it will be much easier to decide whether to say yes or no to someone’s request. Understand that your priorities may not match up with others’ priorities and that’s ok. If they aren’t matching up with yours and are going to take away time or energy from your current goals, then you know it’s time to say no.
3. “Should” Means “No”
Often times when I’m working with my coaching clients they say something like, “well I feel like I should…” This is always an indicator that they are feeling pressured to do something but they know deep down it doesn’t align with their current goals or priorities. Jen Hatmaker puts it best when she says, “ if it’s not a hell yes then it’s a no.” This basically means if it doesn’t excite and light you up then it should be a no. The truth is, you have limited time and energy so if you are always saying yes to others then you are basically saying no to your own priorities.
Another good indicator to help you decide to say yes or no, is to check in with your body. Observe how you’re feeling when someone asks you to do something. If you feel tight or restricted in your body, your breathing becomes shallow, or you feel uncomfortable in some way, those all indicate the feeling of dread and you will know the answer needs to be, “no.”
If you feel expansive in your body and excitement then the answer will be an easy yes. One emotion that can be tricky to read is nervousness. Is the nervousness more dread or nervous to hurt someone’s feelings or is it nervous because you are going to be outside your comfort zone and you know this opportunity could result in amazing changes for you? Play the “what if” game and see if the end result of this opportunity excites you or makes you feel dreadful.
4. Keep Your “No” Simple
So now that we’ve identified when you need to say no, let’s talk about how to deliver that no.
As women, our nurturing nature that is more in tune with emotions so we often worry about hurting somebody’s feelings. For many of us, we wear the “Ms. Dependable” title as a badge of honor and we feel guilty if we let someone down. This is why we put others needs and priorities before our own – because we worry we will disappoint someone or face rejection.
When it comes to delivering the “no,” keep it simple. You don’t need to over apologize or explain your why. Simply say something along the lines of, “thank you for thinking of me, but unfortunately I won’t be able to help with that but I wish you the best of luck!”
Make sure you don’t say anything about “at this time” or you may leave the door open for them to ask you again soon. If it’s something you would like to eventually be a part of but it doesn’t align with your current priorities then say, “unfortunately I don’t have time for that right but I may in the future. Would you mind checking with me again in a few months?”
5. You Teach Others How to Treat You
Understand it’s going to be uncomfortable to say “no” the first few times. If you’ve always been the “go to girl” for everything, you will surprise people when you first decline their request. I promise you it will get easier over time and people will actually start to respect you more when you create boundaries because you clearly value your time and energy and they will start to respect them too.
Remember that you teach others how to treat you. If people walk all over you, it’s because you taught them to do that. Suddenly creating boundaries over night will come as a shock to others if they can no longer take advantage of you. You will also find out who your true friends are as they will stick around regardless of what you can do for them.
In order to see major strides towards your goals, you are going to need to say “no” to things that don’t line up with your priorities. Creating boundaries can be an uncomfortable process at first but I promise you it will be worth it in the end!
